July 17, 2003

     Reality shows are all the rage in the U.S. nowadays. As stupid as these shows are, they are being watched in millions of American homes.

     Of course, I have to qualify, that those who watch these stupid shows are not necessarily stupid. To each his own taste, really.

     I am not sure if they are also being shown on Philippine TV. With cable TV in most homes, they probably are, although they may not be as popular as, say, "Meteor Garden". According to Nielsen Media Research, a company that tracks down TV ratings for the audience and advertisers in the U.S., from Sept. 23, 2002 to June 22, 2003, reality TV shows accounted for five of the top 10 shows, with "Joe Millionaire" placing second, "American Idol" placing fourth on Tuesdays and fifth on Wednesdays, "Survivor: Thailand" tied for sixth, and "Survivor: Amazon" tied for eighth.

"Here's a fact - as a mere boarder, there's just so much one can do short of leaving the place and staying elsewhere. So what do you do? Form a union? If you can't form a union, you air your protest where? Radyo Agong? And join what? Bayan? Gabriela? Raul Roco for President?"

     For our purposes, let's break down reality TV shows into roughly five categories: tracking down dysfunctional families/individuals such as "The Osbournes" and "The Anna Nicole Show"; gross-out shows such as "Fear Factor"; shows that examine group dynamics such as "Survivor," "Real World" and "Road Rules"; performance shows such as "American Idol" and "Fame"; and love-based shows such as "Married by America", "Joe Millionaire" and "The Bachelor". You may add cerebral shows such as "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and "Jeopardy" which are also reality shows by definition, but remember, we are only talking about stupid ones here.

     Just out of curiosity, I tried to watch an episode or a part of most of these shows. Come on, I have a life, and to be able to muster enough courage to watch for a few seconds 20 women vying for the love of a one single, dorky man, give me some credit, at least. Besides, part of my job is to keep up with anything popular, or else I'll be left writing stuffs from The History Channel.

     If I have to define a reality show, it should all be real - no scripts, no planning and no editing. The closest to this definition would be "The Osbournes". The rest of the shows I alluded to above are frauds. Most of these shows are scripted or semi-scripted, if you will. They are no doubt planned and all the participants seem to know what they are going to say and do. In other words, they just don't seem very real.

     The idea for "The Osbournes" is to follow the Osbourne family. Put television cameras in and around their home, record everything, and I mean, everything that the censors would allow. The cast is led by Ozzy Osbourne, the father, formerly of the heavy metal band "Black Sabbath". Ozzy Osbourne's personality is an attraction in itself. With years of alcohol and drugs behind him, his brain has been transformed into either a sponge or a bowl of seaweed. He walks like a zombie, could not turn his head without turning his body, doesn't blink, and talks like a robot in a dumpster. He still goes on tour as a single act in his "Ozzfest" concert tour, and once bit a bat's head, decapitating the poor animal. He couldn't finish a sentence without a swear word on it. In a single 30-minute episode, he says "f*ck" and "sh*t" more times than four hours of "Scarface".

     You may wonder why Americans are so captivated by shows like "The Osbournes", whose lifestyle I would never wish to my worst enemy. What's with following a family, from the time they wake up, to the time they spend cleaning the crap their dogs leave in the carpet? One explanation is - it is so gratifying to watch a family that's more dysfunctional than yours. It sure feels good, like the feeling after a therapy session with a psychiatrist. And you thought your family was the worst. You once thought you're crazy until you watched "The Anna Nicole Show" on E!, and you suddenly realized you're actually a saint! Of course, the other explanation is - some people just need to get a life.

     With one reality show after another on almost every network (it doesn't stop, the latest, and please don't puke - "Who wants to marry my Dad?"), I can't help but ride the bandwagon. And why not? The shows are very cheap to produce but the returns are enormous. No big-name stars, no scriptwriters nor highly-paid directors. All you need are a couple of cameramen and soundmen to follow you around 24 hours a day.

     I thought of several ideas, several experiences from school that would've been perfect for a reality show intended for my audience, Filipinos in general and alumni in particular. I came up with a bunch (rejected ones are in this week's Top Ten), and narrowed it down to one which, looking back, by far was one of the most exciting part of my student life - my life in a boarding house.

     I would have entitled my reality show simply "Magsaysay Village". Yes, it is that street in La Paz where my boarding house for six years was located. Four years of Biology and 2 years of Medicine before I moved to an apartment with my brothers. The street that got busy whenever there's a sporting competition as it used to be the only access to the Iloilo City Stadium complex. It is also the reason why the road leading inside was well-maintained, other than the fact that several offices like the Department of Science and Technology and the Girl Scouts were also there. It is not a village by any means. Don't ask me why would someone name a street a "village".

     Naming a show after a place is not unprecedented. Who can forget "The Streets Of San Francisco"? Lately, there's a drama on NBC entitled "Providence" set on Providence, Rhode Island. There were other recent shows named after places like "Push, Nevada" and "Normal, Ohio". There's "Smallville" and "Dawson's Creek" and it's Tagalog counterpart, "Tabing-Ilog".

     Obviously, I cannot turn back time and have a camera follow my every move as I survive each and every day of "Magsaysay Village". Let's just pretend for a moment that I can and there's actually a camera following me as I deal with stinky boardmates, bad food, nerds, medical students fighting over a classmate's affection, being held-up at gunpoint, and a "mayordoma" I'd like to call, for the purposes of my reality show, "Mrs. Bell". I am not being mean by naming her character after her facial paralysis features. Other than that's the first thing that comes to mind when you mention her name, I just couldn't remember her last name. If she ever had one. Honest.

     The last time I checked, boarding houses are not regulated which is mind-boggling. If the local government regulates restaurants, hotels, and other business establishments frequented by people, boarding houses should be, too. In fact, it should be on top of the list. Unsuspecting students or "boarders" should be protected from greedy landlords. Boarding houses should be inspected periodically for its suitability for human living, specifically, student living. That's not too much to ask. Student boarders should get what they paid for.

     One can always argue that if you don't like your boarding house's condition, just go look for another one. It is not that easy. Most students, especially "promdis" without relatives in the city, like me, have no choice but to stay in a boarding house. Heck, I would have chosen to stay at Hotel Del Rio if my parents could afford it. Most students can only go by what their parents can afford. That doesn't mean they deserve a cramped space, a leaking roof, and cockroaches and rats as roommates. Or a fish that gets fried in the morning and the remains recycled into soup for lunch and dinner.

     I am not overlooking the efforts of perhaps the majority of landlords whose main priority are their student-boarders. As a matter of fact, I know several people who may not have liked to transform their homes into boarding houses but since they are near walking distances of universities, they welcome students to their doorsteps. Those are the landlords that students don't easily forget, sending Christmas cards every year even if they are now professionals with families of their own. I once visited a classmate's house near the University of San Agustin. It was the last house I expected to have boarders, and, dare I say, lady-boarders who were all good-looking, too.

     The search

     It wasn't that tough finding and deciding that "Magsaysay Village" was the place for me to stay. Before I left my home province of Antique (don't dare ask me where Antique is, you should have learned geography in 4th grade), I had lots of recommendations from people who know the owners of a boarding house/dormitory which was still being built at that time.

     The boarding house/dormitory was exclusive for men and was built on a separate lot close to the owner's own house. The landlord's house had few extra rooms which were used to accommodate female boarders. As far as I can remember, there were at least 15 rooms with 2 boarders per room. The room was big enough for a single bed, a simple study desk, and a closet, all provided for. The closet was of reasonable size, the door big enough to fit a full-size calendar with naked women on it.

     The food

     Board and lodging was at 1,200 pesos per month. Way back in 1984, that was a lot of money to pay for a boarding house. What is common knowledge in operating a boarding house is if you have only that amount of money to spend for one boarder, then you may only break even. But if you have 30 boarders, that is a different story. You'd be making huge profits while providing the best service and food. Such was our case. We expected no less but good food in addition to the already good accommodation.

     We were assured by the landlords and the mayordoma/caretaker that we'd have a rice and 3 side dishes everytime. Geez, that was like a mini-buffet already. In addition, they were willing to cook special food for boarders with special needs for health reasons, allergies or religion. It was outright pampering that would, unfortunately, last only for a shorter time than I imagined.

     The original cook, who was very good, left after a few months. I was told that she went back to her old job of running the books for a jueteng operation in Antique, paying off government officials, police chiefs, and everybody that got in the way. We never thought she was like Al Capone's sidekick. Good for her but bad for us. The replacement cook could not cook a lick, knows only a few recipes and would repeat the same tasteless food every other day.

     That's when we started to protest the food, a practice I gladly carried on for the next six years. They never really showed it but I think the landlords hated me for that (there were other reasons to hate me, of course). I am not a picky eater, more so if I'm not eating at home. But please, buying a kilo of meat to make soup for 30 people? You're better off serving water.

     A boardmate did an in-depth research and found out that only 200 pesos per day was budgeted for food for 30 people. The boarding house's monthly take was roughly 36,000 pesos (please remember that this was in the mid-80's), only 6,000 pesos of that went to food. Considering there's electricity and water bills to pay, the amount is still very ridiculous.

     Here's a fact - as a mere boarder, there's just so much one can do short of leaving the place and staying elsewhere. So what do you do? Form a union? (Now, that's a thought. Imagine a group name like this - International Brotherhood for the Rights of Boarders, Local Chapter 117.) If you can't form a union, you air your protest where? Radyo Agong? And join what? Bayan? Gabriela? Raul Roco for President?

     I told my parents one time about the problem that they were not getting their money's worth and that I was spending most of my allowance eating in restaurants. My father offered the best solution - he doubled my allowance.

     The stinky boardmate

     I had lots of interesting boardmates over the years. During the first few years, my boardmates were mostly medical students, majority from class 1988 who either finished undergraduate at Silliman University or some University in Mindanao. I had a few boardmates from Bacolod, Roxas City, and Cebu. I still remember most, if not all, of them (probably more than a hundred over six years), especially those who lasted at least a year. But nobody can top my most memorable boardmate - the one who rarely took a shower. The longest we have recorded of no-shower activity was, and this is no exaggeration, six months.

     As days and weeks and months went by, the stench coming from his room was becoming unbearable. You would think Smokey Mountain had moved to the Visayas. This is definitely one for Ripley's Believe It Or Not. How his roommate was able to stand him for months is one for the record books, too. The roommate eventually left. Here's one that even Ripley would not believe - she had a girlfriend! And he was able to smuggle his girlfriend to his room for several nights without us noticing. Whoa, whoa! Now, that one's for "Sex in the Animal Kingdom".

     If I won't tell this story, that would be great injustice to the viewers of my reality show. If you think I'm being so mean and crossing the line, by all means, sue me. This may well be the highest-rating episode ever. And he should consider himself lucky, I couldn't remember his name.

     He was eventually told to leave. The landlord had to hire professionals to disinfect the room. The room remained unoccupied for months.

     The parties

     There was always an excuse to party whether to welcome a new boarder or saying good riddance to another. During these parties that scholarly-looking geniuses get transformed into beer-drinking, pot-smoking morons. I never dared try smoking pot even once but you couldn't help but notice the smell especially if you're around people who do. During internship, instead of the aroma of a well-brewed coffee in the morning, we'd smell pot first coming from, where else, the residents quarters.

     The hold-up at gunpoint

     I got along very well with my first roommate even though we didn't share the same interest. I have never discussed basketball in the room because that's like reading Braille to him. Since he used to sleep early, I would turn off the light and look for another room to study or use the dining hall.

     One rainy night, I studied in another room with a boardmate whose roommate went home for the weekend. We left the door open. Close to midnight, a skinny guy walked up to the room holding a gun (looked like a 38 caliber paltik) pointing it to our direction. He was naked from the waist up as he used his shirt to cover his face. He told us to keep quiet as he's not gonna hurt anyone. We thought at first that it was a boardmate playing a joke, but when I realized we didn't have a boardmate that skinny, I started to shake and handed him my wristwatch right away.

     He asked us for money. I told him it was not my room and I can get money from my own room if he wanted me to. He told me to stay put. My boardmate pointed to his pants with barely a hundred pesos in the pocket. The skinny man did not complain, took a cassette player and hurriedly left after telling us "pasensya gid".

     At least, the idiot said sorry.

     There are still more boarding house stories but I am not about to write a series or a book. I'll reserve the rest for some other time. Like the two medical school classmates vying for the love of the same drop-dead gorgeous classmate. The rivalry reached the boiling point during one lunchtime when bowls of food were flying all over the dining hall. Like the boardmate who worked for a travel agency and as a source of extra income sold Choc-Nuts to boarders for 25 cents each. He also claimed to be a first cousin of actor Cesar Montano and volunteered that Montano's real family name is "Manhilot". Now, that's an answer to a trivia question. I'm telling you, my reality show would have lasted 6 seasons.

     Of course, I enjoyed my stay at "Magsaysay Village". Why do you think I lasted 6 years there?

     I may even send a Christmas card this year.

     This week's Top Ten:

     Top Ten Rejected Ideas For A Reality Show:

1. The Quarters: The Hospital Administrator has to stay, sleep and eat at the male interns quarters for a week. The audience gets to vote if she survives before the week is over.
2. Interns Worst Nightmare: 10 Junior Interns holed up at the ICU for a week with Manang Aida.
3. The Cheat: A tiny camera is attached to the eyeglasses of a medical student and the world gets to see how he cheats his way through medical school.
4. Professors Confidential: College of Medicine professors discuss which students don't get to go back next school year.
5. Temptation Island: Six guys. And Dr. Raniel Mon.
6. The Bachelor: 20 gorgeous ladies. And Dr. Noel Binayas.
7. Candid Camera: A man dressed up as a cadaver in the dissection room gets to scare unsuspecting first year medical students.
8. Culture and Sensitivity: We watch and watch as the content of a petri dish changes over time.
9. Insults Galore: A collection of film clips shot during morning endorsements showing the top ten endorsement insults of all time.
10. Intern Versus Resident. Cameras roll as a junior intern and a resident argue for two hours within hearing distance of the residents' quarters. A resident who's been listening to the argument all along decided to stop it by paging the intern to the emergency room as the resident was being clobbered without mercy. The verdict - the intern wins!

     This week's FINAL WORD comes from Jenny:

     "I always look up that one day I'll be able to share my story with you. Your advices are one of a kind that will surely be treasured by so many. For some reasons, I find your advices as one of my strenght in terms of relationship and LIFE. Even if I can't get through yet, everytime I hear some of your advices... I feel like going and going."

     Sometimes I wonder why e-mails intended for Oprah or Dr. Phil somehow end up in my Inbox.

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     The author's e-mail address is at drgarcia@wvsumedaa.com

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